Who Do You Turn to When You’re the One Everyone Turns To?

Sep 10

There’s a question I often ask women I coach:

Who do you call when you don’t know what to do next?

Not the person who reports to you. Not the person waiting for you to make the decision. Not necessarily the friend who will reassure you that everything is going to work out.

Who is the person you can call when you need to say, “I’m not sure.”

For many accomplished, capable women, that question is surprisingly difficult to answer.

As you grow in your career and leadership, something interesting can happen. You become the person other people rely on. Your team comes to you for direction. Colleagues ask for your perspective. Your family may look to you to keep things moving. You become known as someone who can figure things out.

And somewhere along the way, it can start to feel like you’re supposed to have all the answers.

You’re not.

Leadership Can Be Lonely, Even When You’re Surrounded by People

Leadership loneliness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re physically alone.

You can spend your entire day in meetings, manage a great team, have wonderful colleagues and go home to people who love and support you, and still feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to about certain decisions.

Sometimes it’s because the decision involves your team.

Sometimes you’re navigating something confidential.

Sometimes the people closest to you simply don’t understand the professional situation you’re facing.

And sometimes you’ve become so accustomed to being the strong one that asking someone else for help feels uncomfortable.

This is where I see many women get stuck.

They tell themselves:

I should be able to figure this out.

I’ve handled harder things than this.

Everyone is counting on me.

I don’t want anyone to think I don’t know what I’m doing.

But leadership isn’t about knowing everything. It’s about knowing how to move forward when you don’t.

You Don’t Always Need Advice

When we’re uncertain, our instinct is often to look for someone who can tell us what to do.

But the most valuable person in your corner may not be the person with the answer.

It may be the person who asks you a question you haven’t considered.

The person who challenges an assumption you’ve been making.

The person who has navigated something similar and can share what they learned.

Or the person who gives you enough space to hear what you already know.

That’s an important distinction.

There are times when we need expertise. There are times when we need coaching. There are times when we need mentorship. And there are times when we simply need a trusted peer who understands the weight of the decision.

The goal isn’t to find one person who can be all of those things.

It’s to intentionally build a circle that gives you access to different perspectives when you need them.

Take Inventory of Who’s in Your Corner

Think about the people you currently turn to.

Who challenges you rather than automatically agreeing with you?

Who can listen without immediately trying to solve the problem?

Who has experience you can learn from?

Who celebrates your success without feeling threatened by it?

Who can tell you something you might not want to hear?

Who encourages you to think bigger?

And perhaps most importantly, who can you be uncertain around?

That last question matters.

Every leader needs a space where she doesn’t have to perform confidence.

Practice Saying “I Don’t Know Yet”

There is strength in being able to say:

“I don’t know yet.”

Not I don’t know and therefore I’m incapable.

Not I don’t know, so someone else needs to make the decision.

Simply: I don’t know yet. I’m going to gather what I need, think about it and determine the next step.

The more responsibility we carry, the easier it can be to confuse confidence with certainty.

They aren’t the same thing.

You can be confident in your ability to lead while still asking for another perspective.

You can be highly experienced and still encounter something you’ve never navigated before.

You can be the person everyone calls and still need someone to call yourself.

Be Intentional About Building Your Circle Before You Need It

One of the biggest mistakes we make is waiting until we’re in the middle of a difficult season to realize we don’t have the support we need.

Relationships take time.

Find the people who make you think differently. Stay connected to former colleagues you respect. Seek out mentors. Invest in friendships with other women navigating leadership. Have conversations with people outside your industry. Be willing to ask for help, but also be the person who offers it.

And don’t measure the strength of your network by how many people you know.

Measure it by the quality of the conversations you’re able to have.

Because eventually, every leader encounters a decision without an obvious answer.

When that happens, the question isn’t whether you’re capable enough to figure it out alone.